Rollin' Down the 30's Hill
I am officially 36 now. Yesterday was my birthday. I woke up to two little cherubs hopping on me saying “Wake up Birthday Princess!” What a beautiful way to start the day. I sure do love those little cherubs - such kissable cheeks and so fun to snuggle with.
Yet . . .
My journal entry just 2 days ago shouted a phrase something like this, "So this is what thirty friggen six is all about?!” It has been a very crazy couple of weeks here. I think ever since the constant-ness of Spring Break hit a few weeks ago, life hasn’t been quite the same.
Today I scanned the classifieds in the paper because I decided I must get out of the house. I decided I need something outside of our house to spend time on that has nothing to do with my kids, my husband, laundry, bills, or dishes. The work that I do at my home office is fun and challenging, but alas, it is here – at home.
I’m having a hard time with this. I am feeling guilt for yearning for days when both my kids are in school all day. I KNOW these times when they are young go fast and are precious. I KNOW without a doubt that if I was in a different situation that I’d miss them terribly and agonize over not being able to spend more time with them. Yet, I still want out – of the house – and . . . I continue to feel like it is wrong for me to feel this way.
I know moms who’ve had the opportunity to stay home and have chosen to work instead. I do not judge that. I respect that choice – it is theirs. But I’m having some difficulty respecting that same choice for myself. Yet it is something I know I have to do. Why is this?
Hmm . . .
posted by Trabinski at 9:40 PM
6 Comments:
Happy Birthday! 36 is a great age (that's how old I am too... shh, don't tell anyone.) :-)
Do you think that you're just going through a phase with wanting to get out of the house? Not that it wouldn't be legitimate if it's a really strong, driving need too -- but maybe if you could do something short-term, you'd satisfy your craving or at least get it down to a dull roar.
I work full-time but sometimes really wish I could stay home with the girls. Yet give me a week with them 24/7 and I'm ready to go back to work. I think maybe it's a matter of balance -- I have those thoughts and cravings most when my life is unbalanced.
I hope maybe you can find time to get out with friends or family or alone, or even to work. Being a mom is so rewarding, and so draining too. You do deserve some "me" time.
7:26 AM
I have moments where I miss work terribly. I know however how beneficial it is for my kids..for our budget even (child care for 5 is so expensive) that I stay home. So, instead I am taking an evening class at the local community college. It gets me out around other adults and I do have to work and so I get the rewards of hard work for something other than laundry and babies too. Just a thought. I'm not sure how long it will last as being enough, but for now it helps.
9:20 AM
Thanks for your great thoughts and ideas. The thing is, I do get out of the house a bit - I go to pilates two nights a week and meet a friend to run with a couple times a week (haa this makes it sound like I'm some kind of athlete, let me assure you - I do it only to get out of the house!!)
I think it's the professional side of me that feels somewhat empty. I have meetings with interesting people a couple of times a month about curriculum development and I'm always working on stuff at home. I'm also on a board for a non-profit organization in town and that's great, however we only meet once a month.
For some reason - I feel this need for more - a team of people I work and create with - like a couple of days a week.
I'll keep working on figuring it out and keep you posted.
Thanks again for your helpful thoughts! :)
10:41 AM
T...
First of all, Happy Birthday old woman!
Second, when you get all of this figured out...you've got a great book on your hands! Seriously...I think what you are feeling is such a "rock and a hard place" thing and also more common that what we all might suspect! I think a lot of women are experiencing exactly what you described...especially the guilt of wanting to be and do something ELSE besides care for the kids and house most of each day.
We all have a lot to learn from your journey. I can't wait to learn how it all works out for you...
7:34 AM
Ok, I have to say that I thought I had put you on my Bloglines feed, and for whatever reason, I hadn't.
So, I am late. Forgive me.
Happy Belated Birthday!
As for the home thing, it is tough to stay in this one place all the time. Even though it truly may not be all the time, it sure feels like it!
8:05 PM
I am not a mom so I can't identify with much of your situation, but I do relate to one thing you said. You have the grace to allow other moms to make their own decisions for thier families without judgement, so allow yourself the same grace! I find that I am way too hard on myself and have these way off-the-wall expectations, so be sure to go easy on yourself! This stuff is hard. If it weren't, there'd be no reason to blog about it! =0)
6:15 AM
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